Always Right or Alright?

From the time I started reading about the Enneagram (specifically my number) I’ve wrestled with the idea of my core need to be good. I don’t feel bad. While my inner critic is strong and, at times, brutal, it doesn’t necessarily make me feel like I’m a bad person.

I’ve really been asking myself if I’m in denial and deep down I’m searching for some affirmation of being good person. Why am I hard on myself when I make mistakes? Is my desire to be orderly, perfect, and right somehow determining my moral standing? Well, here is what I’ve come up with.

I am a good person. I am morally good. I follow rules and I like order. I give attention to detail and mistakes and errors seem to assault my being. My ability to correct chaos is my way of contributing my “goodness” to the world around me. Sure sometimes I dig my heels in and sometimes I like to be right (okay, a lot of the time) but the real reason that I become so strong-willed is because I want to know that I’m of value.

For me, being right equals being valuable. I don’t want to be right for the sake of being right, I want to be right because I want to know that I bring value to the table and that you think I’m good and useful. I like order, details, and cleanliness not because I think those things will make me any more of a good person, but because I believe they prove my value to the world around me. Being valuable is my corps need.

I am slowly learning that right or wrong, tidy or messy, order or chaos, I am valuable. Yes, I thrive when things are set in a particular way but when they are not, it doesn’t mean I have less value; just as much as it doesn’t mean I am bad or wrong. I am still a good wife, a strong mom, and forgiven by the God of the Universe regardless of being right or perfect.

I don’t need to always be right to know that I’m alright. I’m alright in the eyes of my family and more importantly, I’m alright in the eyes of the Lord.