Boundaries and Grace, thanks 2020!

I've always been an all-in-a-day kind of girl. I don't sit still for long periods of time, I enjoy checking everything off my to-do list before I go to bed, and am bothered by things being unfinished. I'm sure some of you can relate. Last year, that changed.

Last year, 2020 that is, I started the year off busier than normal. I had taken on a massive project at work that required a ton of travel and attention to detail. I was hardly home in those first three month and I'll admit that it was taking its toll. I was tired, grumpy, riddled with anxiety, and not very great to be around. As much as I want to believe I can do it all, the truth is, I can't. Shocking, I know.

When the pandemic started, I, like most people, began to stay home. It was then that the exhaustion that was sitting in my bones began to show. Likewise, the stillness was an opportunity for the anxiety of my professional life to come forward. Not keeping the pace I had been, showed me that my professional life was extremely unhealthy and I couldn't ignore that anymore.

In May, I took a medical leave and I never could have imagined how that would impact my mental health. It wasn't great, just in case you're wondering. I thought that the freedom from my professional obligations would ease my anxiety and give me a sense of relief. Instead, I found that I had become consumed with my work responsibilities to the point where they founded my identity. When I wasn't working, I didn't know who I was.

Yes, I am still a wife. Yes, I am still a mother. Yes, I am still a follower of Jesus, but suddenly, the things I was good at, were gone.

I know that seems a little silly, to feel like you're lost when you're not working but those of us who have a personal investment (and a faith investment) into our work, it happens easily and without notice.

Over time, feeling anxious became feeling lost. Lost became sad and the sadness stuck around for awhile. A long while. And then more transition happened in our lives. More hardship came and I struggled to find the strength to do most things. I shared recently that I never quit trying. I showered everyday. I fed my kids. And some days, that was pretty much it. I didn't know this underperforming woman, this sad shadow of my former self, but I didn't love her.

I regularly cried to my therapist about my fears of never being able to get my life together and doing more than one thing in a day. She told me to give myself time. ... I don't always love her responses but I decided that she holds the degree and I don't so I should trust her a little.

As 2021 started creeping up and people were sharing all the great things to come out of 2020 I couldn't help but think about how hard my year was. Even trying to identify the blessings made me feel the sting of my wounds and I wasn't ready for it. The truth is, I'm still very hurt and I'm still sad some days. I am not ready to look at 2020 with fondness and affection. However, I am approaching 2021 in a new way because of the pain I found in 2020; With two little friends I like to call, Boundaries and Grace.

I have reconciled that I will not be blurring the lines of my identity, my faith, and my profession anymore. Boundaries.

Likewise, I will not care about what I accomplish in a day. For weeks I would look at myself in the mirror and tell myself that I could do it. I could shower without crying. I could make it through the day without crawling back in bed. I could take the kids for a walk or be social at one of the kids' activities. Sometimes I could. Sometimes I couldn't. But the bar was so low that I still had to try. What that experience, that season, taught me was that it really doesn't matter what I accomplish in a day so long as I can do the basics.

Yesterday, I sorted laundry for the first time in weeks. Like, all the laundry. I walked around the house and emptied the hampers into piles outside the washer and dryer. I sorted and started what will be a multiple day project. Don't get me wrong, I've done the basics so my family isn't walking around naked but I had laundry that I hadn't touched since before we left Denver. That's a little insane, right? I don't care. That, my friends, is Grace. She's beautiful, isn't she?

I wanted to set goals for myself for 2021 but after living through the "just take a shower" season I thought it might be better to go into the year without expectations. It doesn't matter how many books I read or how many times I cook new recipes in a week. (Yes, I sometimes set ridiculous goals that I never accomplish because there are times when I'm far too busy or tired to make them happen.) What matters is that I'm showing up. That I am doing things that nourish my soul and make me a better wife and a better mom. What matters is that I'm setting boundaries and giving myself grace because life doesn't happen in a day and that's okay.

I don't need to get it all done in one day. I just need to keep making daily progress toward the woman I was created to be.