Harassment and Discrimination

I remember sitting at the dining room table in the morning with my mom while she read through her Good Housekeeping magazine. She often worked the graveyard shift and would make it home just in time to sit for breakfast with us before we went to school. That image sits in my mind as a sweet spot in time. It was after my parents divorce and before my stepdad came along. It was my mom making it on her own. She was so strong in that morning light.

Every year, my grandmother would renew her magazine subscription. My grandmother read it too. When I got married, my mom ordered the magazine for me. Even though I don't read it from cover to cover each month, its presence in my home reminds me of the strong women I come from. The legacy of the magazine subscription is a tender tradition that I will pass down to my daughter as well. (Though, I'm sure hers will be digital.)

Last February, I was reading through the magazine when I came across this article:

An NDA Keeps Me From Telling My Full Story, But It Won't Stop Me From Helping Other Women

It's contents blew me away. I was in an incredibly toxic work environment and although it would be another two months when the pandemic hit that I was able to sit still long enough to realize it, this got the wheels moving.

I would encourage you to read it yourself but to sum it up, it basically said, most women deal with harassment. Most women don't report it. Most women who do, trust their HR departments. Most women don't know what an NDA is. Most women sign the NDA in conjunction with a settlement. These are not good things.

As I was reading, I realized, "I am being harassed. I don't think my HR department will be on my side, and I have no idea what to do."

Admittedly, as time went, I knew that I couldn't go back to work in the capacity I had and the stress of my boss in conjunction with my kids being out of school, was too much. I went out on a medical leave. Three months at first and then six. In that time, I reported my boss through the correct avenues and waited. I foolishly thought my employer would do the right thing and remove him from a position of authority. They did not. Turns out, Good Housekeeping was right about HR departments....they have the best interest of the company at heart.

The company offered me a different role in another location working under a different boss. I took it.

While I'd love to say that the transfer and time have healed the wounds of the trauma I experienced, it hasn't. But that's not what this post is about. This post is about sharing what I want my daughter and other women to know when in the workforce; She doesn't have to tolerate harassment or discrimination. She doesn't have to, you don't have to, and I don't have to.

Some reading this might think, "You're right, you don't have to. You can just leave and find a new job." Realistically, that's not always an option and often, an employer knows that. Women working low-wage jobs trying to make ends meet, cannot afford the luxury of switching jobs whenever they want. Women are often bullied into silence because their employers know that their external circumstances make them feel stuck. Finding new, gainful employment, is not always a viable option.

Here are some things I want to offer to any woman feeling stuck:

Start by backing it up!

If you are brave enough to bring up harassment or discrimination to your HR department, you will likely asked to provide proof. Sometimes it feels really crappy to not have your word be enough but that's the world we live in. (And let me say, I get it. If someone accused my husband of something, I would certainly want proof before I believed it.)

So, back your life up! Screen shot those text messages and email them to your personal email. Write every comment, advance, etc. down. Forward emails to your personal email account. If you should find yourself without a job, you will find yourself without access to your work accounts. So, back it all up. Also, from my own experience, I think this gives you a little bit of empowerment.

Just because you didn't know how to respond, doesn't mean you did something wrong!

I recently worked with a young woman who told me about the sexual harassment she had been dealing with in the workplace. After helping her report it to her company's HR department, the comment was made that she would need to take training because she clearly didn't know how to express that what was being said to her was not okay.

People forget power dynamics. When your boss is crossing a line, you don't always know how to respond. You don't always respond the way you wish you had. That's okay. No one teaches us how to respond to harassment so your attempt to transition the conversation, make it an awkward joke, or ignore it altogether....all okay. If you're speaking up, reporting, saying something, you're doing the right thing and that's enough.

The EEOC is your friend!

Are you familiar with the EEOC? It's the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. It got a soft start back in 1944 when Congresswoman Winifred C. Stanley introduced H.R. 5056. It didn't pass at the time but lingered around until it became the Equal Pay Act and was signed into to law in 1963.

Then in 1964, the Civil Rights Act was signed into law. Part of the Civil Rights Act (a piece called Title VII) "prohibited employment discrimination based on race, sex, color, religion, or national origin". As a result, the EEOC opened its doors in 1965. I know to say that a woman started the EEOC is a stretch but I don't care. One woman saying enough is enough became the catalyst to protection for a lot more.

Now that you have a slightly unnecessary history of the EEOC, let me tell you what they can do for you.

First, they can help you determine if what you're experiencing is against the law. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish if our specific circumstance is really discrimination or harassment. You can call them, 1-800-669-4000, and discuss your situation. This is a good start. If they decide you are in fact in a position that warrants further investigation, they will tell you.

You can report anonymously....sort of.

When you call, you will have to give your information to help them keep records. While they will keep your information confidential initially, when/if a charge is filed against your employer, your identity is disclosed. It is disclosed because you must sign the charge against them. They are given a copy of the charge and your signature is on it. To get around this, you can utilize another person or organization to file on your behalf. While your identity may still come up in the investigation due to the nature of your charge, the EEOC will not directly release your identity. To find someone to help, do a google search. I promise you, lawyer after lawyer will fill your screen. Call them.

Retaliation

If you contact the EEOC and they decide to do an investigation and bring charges, your employer cannot retaliate against you. This is a slippery slope in my eyes but it might be worth the gamble depending on your situation. Employers can still discipline and terminate you as long as it is not retaliatory or discrimination for your participation in EEO activities. They cannot demote you. They cannot give you a review that is lower than it should be. They cannot make your work more difficult by changing your schedule. They cannot treat your family member negatively. These are all listed on the EEOC website as acts of retaliation. You can keep your job. They might make things difficult but you can go right back where you started if that happens. The EEOC is your advocate and friend.

Don't sign the NDA right away!

When an employer decides they will settle to make your claims "go away", they often ask you to sign a Non-Disclosure Agreement (NDA). If you sign it and decide you want to share your story, forget it. What you're agreeing to is that you will be keeping the details of your story and whatever else outlined in the NDA, confidential. To reach a settlement, an employer may bring this into play. Before you sign it, have someone look it over. The Good Housekeeping article suggests negotiating the NDA and the settlement separately. What is reconciliation worth and what is the NDA worth? While I haven't walked this road personally, I have friends that have been forced into making fast, life-changing decisions in a moment because the higher-ups at a company have offered them a bouquet if they take it in the moment or a daisy if they wait. Remember that if you're in that position where they are offering you something, you should take a moment and have someone with knowledge and expertise read it over before you sign it.

Ask for advice!

If you don't know where to start...If you aren't sure if you're making a mountain out of a mole hill, ask. How often do we make excuses for behavior and brush it aside? Too often. We should be normalizing reporting but to do that we need to normalize raising red flags and asking questions about what's acceptable behavior. So, if you're unsure, find someone you trust, someone outside of the company your work for, and ask. Trusted friends and family will point you in the right direction.

Here is a link to the EEOC website if you want to do a little of your own research. https://www.eeoc.gov/